Groove Column: The Supreme Overlord of Dance Decrees... (December 2007)

So, I have elected myself Supreme Overlord of dance music for 2008. Well, benevolent dictator, at least. Here are my decrees:

1. All producers will take a vow of chastity for the first half of the year. Have six months off. Learn to paint or to knit. Take up bird watching. Do some voluntary work in an old people’s home. Make yourselves useful.

2. Further to decree 1, all producers will count the number of remixes completed and records released in 2007 and release a third as many in 2008. Work harder than you did last year, but throw away everything you think is not genuinely going to add something to the world.

3. No releases will be allowed that are generated entirely by laptop or plug-in. All records should contain at least one certified example of someone hitting something real with a stick, yelling into a microphone, wrapping strings around an object and strumming them. That kind of thing. Documentary proof, photos etc, will be required.

4. Vinyl promo is henceforth banned.

5. At least 500 copies of every release must be pressed on vinyl, preferably in an attractive colour sleeve (remember, you learned to paint at the start of the year).

6. Said vinyl will be made available to record shops 14 DAYS before any electronic download release is permitted.

7. No digital download service will be granted ANY preferential treatment, lead-in times, rights or exclusivity in distribution over any other. Further they will mandatorily provide all downloads at no less than 320mbit MP3, AIFF or WAV.

8. EPs are henceforth banned. Two tracks per single release and no more will be permitted.

9. No house or techno record shall exceed 122BPM in tempo, and, further, every other release must contain at least one track that is 118BPM or slower. There will be no exceptions.

10. All DJs will undertake to change tempo at least once and play at least 3 vocal tracks or disco records in every two hour set of music.

11. DJs will undertake to be courteous and name any track they are playing to any member of the public that wants to know.

12. The public will refrain from asking the DJ to play harder / faster / better or “a request for my friend, as it’s her birthday”.

13. The superimposition of live percussion (comprising congas, bongos, timbales etc.) or saxophone over DJ sets is punishable by death.

(published December 2007)

Comments

[silvestre]

Challenging manifesto this one. I agree in so many points as the applicable death penalty for those who add more lines to the already sounding, either by drums of any kinds or the much loathed impertinent clapping.

As a music aficionado, dj and postgrad student, I fully support your call towards Dj's giving away the names of their secret gems. Many of them seem to think that they own those sounds. Some humility is always welcome.

About your rant against the spread of digital thieving. It is the best I have read in ages. To the point.

Thanks Ewan for your blogs and musical recommendations. They are essential, in times where independent music magazines have almost disappeared in England.

all best

silvestre

[Renaud aka Cosy Mozzy]

My dear Ewan...
I want to accept you as a dictator.
let me be your servant and said to whole world that your religion is better than any other one !
Trust in my total devotion.
Cheers mate
R

[Benjimite]

Ewan,
Spot the eff on in everything mate, especially the vinyl releases and playing of disco tracks. Can't wait to have you back soon to Aus.
Cheers mate
Ben

[adam]

What's wrong with EPs? Vinyl is so expensive to press I like to use the opportunity to get a few different flavours on to a record when I actually go to the trouble of making one...

Adam

[Ursa]

As a huge fan of the Jungle/DnB 170ish bpm sounds, rule 9 can get fucked (I know you say House or Techno, but still), and i'm also wary of the no EPs rule, but otherwise, pretty much unarguable.

[dara]

we, my friends and me, i have friends, loads of them, of course, cos i'm funny an' ting, and i care about people, and i care about the fashionable world that i hate, and this, puts into words, what we've all been thinking, all those confused mornings when you thought life must be better than this, they'll disappear with these guidelines

[Ekleroshock]

yeah, what's wrong with EPs?

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